Intrinsic Fitness, LLC

I Wish I Was You

As I drive around West Fort Worth I share the road with the nicest cars money can buy. Today I saw the same cars that I always do but looked on with the least desire I have felt since I was 8 years old. As a teenager I used to pretend that I didn’t care what other people were driving compared to me or my parents…but truthfully I did. I wanted a nicer car and dreamed how much more important it would make me feel. When I saw someone driving a car worth less than the one I was in I would look snobbishly down the hood at them; I pretended they were less important than me. I assigned them some arbitrary status based upon steel, leather and plastic. When and from where did this abhorrent wrestler appear and how do I reverse his grasp?

In the past I would avoid full-sized Range Rovers (my former dream car) lest they catch the jealousy on my face. I would, when I saw one, from the side of my averted eye, look longingly at the beautiful clamshell hood, the gorgeous lines of the full-sized model and the price tag flying high overhead like an airplane banner in the wind. I looked down with disdain at those driving the Sport or any smaller SUV  -” they can’t afford the real thing, they settled for the Micro Machine version.” “I can’t even sit up straight in one of those little things!” – the rationalizations I would repeat in my head. In reality if given the choice I would have driven the the Sport or anything more expensive than what I had any day and with glee.

Sometimes I would sit for long periods playing with the myriad customization options at RangeRover.com. You can pick the interior and exterior colors and attributes you like best, the engine size and moon roof and make your dream car come to life. I would look at it in 3D, spin it around and imagine myself inside. I spent many hours dreaming of sitting in a beautiful full-sized Vesuvius (the burnt orange color) Range Rover SUV.

Today as I look around the streets of my city, I realize that I no longer care. I no longer want what other people possess: what they are driving, what they look like,  where they live, what they do or what they have. I am burning off the leech; detaching myself from the magnetic pull of material and marketing.  When I look at a face or car or bottom line I see a transport, a window and numbers lying dead on the page. The 2-way interrogation room mirror that I lumbered around and lived with has been shattered and swept away. Left behind is a man with his head held high, shoulders back and feet pointing towards meaning and depth: connection in lieu of things, challenge instead of cash and character in place of beauty.

I think all this website mess, the mind-melting introspection that comes with writing about Intrinsic value and a genuine attempt at nurturing it in others has helped me clarify and galvanize my own sense of self. The question begged is will I ever be done? Will I ever exist without struggle,washed clean of desire, and truly live inside-out?

When I look at a beautiful car today all I see is paint, polymers and metal. With great relief, that is as far as my mind-grinding thought mill will turn. Will true change rise with me daily? Will I leave status and symbols beind?  Maybe I have pined for my last  easy job, shiny symbol or free ride.

I dream of living in peace with the trinkets that float between us and rattle ashore from the sea of our social milieu. This peace will be hard-won as I have spent years in a mental morass hoping for something to come to me without trial. The spark behind this combustion came suddenly but  I’ve spent years charging the capacitors of change. In the aftermath of critical mass I am left with a hole in my mind where fear, anxiety, and  jealousy once reigned. In the ether of this new space lies a mystery: can I dare the high board, dive down amongst the wisps and find sanctuary for the rest of my days?